It’s my second Mother’s Day but it is still weird to me; I don’t feel like someone’s mom. My son calls me mama sometimes but having other people say oh that’s Darren’s mom I’m like ahhh, I am really a mom. I feel old even though I am clearly not; I just have an old soul like some people have. I have always wanted to be a mom but I didn’t know how I would handle it and then realized I had experience with children, not babies lol.
It’s awesome though. It is truly a thankless job, but you get paid in love, construction paper cards, and kisses but it’s all you ever really look forward to. When I first held my son it was the most amazing thing in the world. You look at the newborn and you think “wow, I created this child, he lived in my body!” and it’s a beautiful moment you never forget. He wrapped his tiny hand around my fingers and I fell in love. Somewhere along the way you realize that that type of love is unconditional and you would literally do anything for them. My son is only 2 but he is my strength, my motivation, my backbone, and my heart. Days when I felt like life was too much and I couldn’t take it, I kept going for him and nothing else. Since he’s been born my life has been nothing short of a disaster but if I have never been thankful for anything else, I’m thankful for him. I’ve grown up a lot and can see that the small things matter so much more. I’m living the life if my son is taken care of. I would give him my last of anything even if I had to go without. Lord knows I have gone without a few things just to make sure my baby had whatever he needed, but in every struggle, there is a blessing. I gave all of Darren’s stuff to mom’s who needed it. There were mom’s that were so grateful to have anything because they had nothing and it hurts a moms soul when she sees her child wants/needs something and she can’t give it to them because she can’t afford it. I had clothes, toys, car seats, strollers, all of that given away because I was getting brand new everything for Darren and I couldn’t take any of it with me. I felt absolutely warm inside because I helped someone else out and it was one less thing they had to worry about for their kids.
I’ve become a selfless person. At 18/19 most people are selfish and you should be because you don’t have responsibilities but I have done a 180. I never would have seen myself doing some of the things I have done for my son and I love that.
I just want him to grow up and say mom you did a great job and I love that you were there even when I felt like no one else was. I don’t want flowers, candy, cards, bears; I want him to be the man I raised him to be and that is all the gift I need.
I came to the realization that I’m angry…
I think about things too much and while I have every reason to be angry, it’s not something I want to hold onto or continue to let bother me. I thought if I got away and distanced myself that I would be better, but at night I can feel myself losing a battle with my thoughts. Its crazy. I feel like maybe now if I deal with it then I won’t bury it and have it resurface later; I guess it just takes time. Some days I’m fine and others I’m not. I’m way more sensitive than I ever thought I was so it’s hard to tell myself don’t worry about it or it will get better when it doesn’t seem like it will. If I’m being honest with myself I’m shutting down. When people who are supposed to always be there lose your trust, you feel like you really are starting over from scratch and you question everything. It’s worse than losing a friend or breaking up with a guy after 2 or 3 years; it starts to feel as if a hole is there and no matter how many people say I’m here and try to fill it, that void will always be there. What’s even worse is that if I go back and try to fix it, all I will be doing is saying it’s okay to treat me like that and it’s not. The crazy part is that it’s gotten so far gone that I will take the dysfunction back just to have things the way they were but I have to fix that. I’m just going to take it one day at a time.
Darren you like it out here…I think being here is good for you. I can get a break and wean you just a tad. I know you aren’t used to being around too many people besides me but by the end of the summer, you’ll flourish and I can leave your sight without you freaking out. I’m determined to do that…it worries me how you react to people being around you sometimes and that you only act that way when it’s a male. I don’t think its normal and one of the sucky things about parenting is having to admit something is wrong with your child. We’ll be fine though, I can see the progress already and you have the chance to be around kids your age and other family so I’m happy about that.
I feel like I’ve become the stereotypical black mom.
Darren refused to sit down and was throwing a DVD everywhere
After constantly repeating myself and being ignored, I yelled and said IF I MESS UP THIS NAIL POLISH I JUST PAINTED ON MY NAILS I’M BREAKING MY FOOT OFF UP IN YOUR BEHIND!
And he sat down.
The part of life where your parents said hush before I give you something to cry about? I understand it. He just fake screamed for 3 minutes with no tears and I had to tell him that. I barely touched you, chill.
Jesus be some nice adoptive family that I may take him to. Please.
Eros
a passionate physical and emotional love based on aesthetic enjoyment; stereotype of romantic love
Ludus
a love that is played as a game or sport; conquest; may have multiple partners at once
Storge
an affectionate love that slowly develops from friendship, based on similarity
Pragma
love that is driven by the head, not the heart
Mania
obsessive love; experience great emotional highs and lows; very possessive and often jealous lovers
Agape
selfless altruistic love; spiritual
(Source: Wikipedia, via musiclifetoni)
stoprobbers:
Unless you are poor, brown, female, Jewish, or gay.
I’m not gonna tag this Disney cuz that’s rude, but I’m not into the Walt Disney worship I see here on Tumblr, or in real life. The man was a racist and sexist bigot who designed Disney Land as a tribute to a pastoral version of America that never existed. He placed it in Anaheim, where minorities who were too poor and marginalized in Southern California to, by and large, afford cars could not get to it, and instructed admissions employees to discourage them from coming. He refused to hire black or brown people except one woman who was forced to perform in near-minstrel capacity as Aunt Jemima in the Aunt Jemima Pancake House on Orleans Street. He also was a public supporter of some of the most vile anti-Semites in America.
You can talk about modern Disney and all the progress its made from these frankly nauseating beginnings, but holding Walt Disney up as some champion of individuality, self-expression, and self-esteem is a damn lie. He only wanted you to be yourself if you were white and middle class.
Wow. The more ya know.
(Source: curiiouser, via wtfwhiteprivilege)
deluxvivens:
pyromantix:
tzoc-che:
nakkyy:
lastrealindians:
Rapid City, South Dakota – A member and resident of the Cheyenne River Sioux Tribe of South Dakota came home from a 14-day stay in the hospital to find he had been horribly mutilated. Three Ks can be easily seen carved or burned into his abdomen in the shocking photograph taken the day after he came home.
Vernon Traversie, who is completely blind, said his nightmare began when he had a heart attack while at the Heart Doctors office in Rapid City last August. He said they immediately sent him a few blocks away to Rapid City Regional Hospital for emergency surgery….read the rest: LAKOTA MAN ACCUSES HOSPITAL OF HEALTHCARE HATE CRIME, By Evelyn Red Lodge
Please read and reblog.
This is so awful it hurts.
I have no words.
YOU GUYS THIS IS THE AREA I COME FROM.
This hopefully explains a lot of the angry that I have.
Waiting for some creatively inspired headdress wearers to honor this indian man by activism on his behalf.
In the meantime, the rest of us can get busy on this.
-soft sigh- This story is absolutely terrible.
(via wtfwhiteprivilege)
