On the other hand I don’t really know how I feel about today for my own son’s sake.
One day you will sit down and ask me about your dad. Hopefully the question will be why aren’t you two together instead of, where is he/why isn’t he around. Right now, he isn’t around. Am I mad about it? No. Did I used to be? Yeah. If I sat down right now and said Darren, I can’t get you any diapers babe, sorry oh well, people would look at me crazy when it’s exactly what happens all the time. My life does not get to stop because it’s hard or because I don’t have anything, you still need to be taken care of. And that’s where a lot of the frustration lies.
I’m partly to blame. Ever heard the line, love is so blind it feels right when its wrong? Well sometimes it is. When I was pregnant and everyone was coming together to make sure I could have everything ready, Aaron never bought one thing. Not so much as a onesie or a hat for you even though he had 2 jobs. I didn’t care then though. I wanted him to be there for your birth and I had so many things from everyone else it didn’t matter to me. I didn’t want to listen when everyone said “Dee, be prepared to do this by yourself just in case”. We get to the hospital and we have you and I’m in shock. I feel like we’re a family and even though things are bad, I want them to be good so badly, that I convince myself things are fine. I never got a dime from your dad but what mattered more to me was that you guys spend time together. Anyone can write a check, I wanted a guy who would spend time with you and teach you things. And then things fall a part before you even hit 2 months. Last Father’s Day? I let your dad come get you, but he hadn’t seen you in 2 and a half months before that and didn’t keep you but for an hour. Things are always bad for him, he can’t get it together, something happened, this thing came up, something went wrong. I say okay, we’re here when you’re ready. But that moment never came. He still doesn’t have his shit together. Some days I used to secretly wish he would before you were old enough to realize it, but now I don’t even care. He’s the worst type of deadbeat; comes in and out, never gets the kid anything but swears the kid loves him and has to be with him. If you’re going to break my child’s heart, do it all at once and be gone. Don’t come in and out and in and out, promising him things that will never happen. If I continue to let him do that, it will be my fault. The man has your name tattooed on him but can’t consistently call you. He can find all the time in the world to tweet, text, call everyone else but you. He can’t tell me what size shoe or t shirt you wear and wants me to send you 900 miles to live with him. And it hurts me for you. I can’t do anything but say sorry. I’m not your dad, I don’t intend to take that spot. You have guys around you that look out for you and teach you, but they aren’t him. So I’ve stopped holding my breath waiting for him to get it together for you and come around. He’s going to need to go down to his reserved spot in hell, ask Lucifer for help and then beg God to see you because I’m tired. You can’t make a man do anything. If he wanted to send a check, he would. If he wanted to see you, he would. If he wanted to talk to you, he would call. I’ve learned to accept it for what it is and move on. I don’t want to hold any hatred or bitterness in my heart in case you wake up one day and decide he’s your hero.
On the other side, I am eternally grateful for your godfather. If I never did anything else great for you, I’m glad I picked a godfather for you. A friend I had came to me and asked me. We weren’t close or anything but he said, I want to be there for him. The second day of my hospital stay, he came and held you. I blew that picture up and sent it to him for Father’s Day. He bought you the travel system you used with your car seat and plenty of clothes and never blinked an eye at it. He lived 2 hours away from us but if he wasn’t there every week, it was every other week. When I had weak moments and needed to cry about Aaron not being around, he was there. He never hesitated to come get you or be around. He wanted me to ask for help (something I have trouble doing). When you decided to crawl? He was there in the background cheering you on. If I needed diapers, wipes, bibs, clothes, shoes, you name it and he gave it to me without so much as giving me a receipt so I could pay him back. I love him more than anything for doing that for you. You guys sit down and spend time together and I know those are things I could never teach you. If I was in over my head, I could call him and ask for a break. I’ve never taken you to get a haircut, every haircut besides a few you’ve gotten, were from Jay taking you to the barbershop with him on the weekends. When I told Jay I was leaving, he was crushed but he knew it was best for me to get away so I could have the chance to do what I needed to do for you. He calls you every day and I send him pictures of us all the time. I saved up some money, bought him a outfit and gave him that picture of you two but I know NOTHING can replace everything he’s done for me. Ever. You know him as your dad. And you know what? I don’t want any guy around (dad or potential stepfather) if he isn’t going to live up to the same standards Jay has set. That guy loves you more than I do. People would swear you were his son the way you two are always together but nope, he’s just a good person at heart and I’m glad he chose to be your godfather and stepped up to fill some pretty big shoes.
Years from now, I hope some of this will just be memories and water under the bridge, but who knows?